August - September 1964 |
Last time, (Metal Men 8), the robots were trapped on a deserted planet and menaced by killer amusement rides. Blinded by a giant camera, the robots are led toward their rocket by Billy, a blind boy from back home. (He was Timmy in the last book, but hey.) Billy recounts their steps as the stampeding robot-rides hurl giant gears and junks at the Metal Men. Mercury, always at a low boil, rebels. "You all must have short-circuited your responsometers to follow a kid who was born blind! I'm leaving!" Gold and Iron clamp tighter and keep pacing. Billy leds the robots to the ship. Iron transforms into a steam shovel and lifts his friends to the space capsule. Platinum gushes, "See, Mercury? You should learn to have faith in people!" |
The killer-rides jam the hatch and cling to the rocket. The robots can't see. So Billy, who was taught how to launch the rocket back on Earth, must try. Tin stammers, "A person c-c-can do anything - if p-people believe in h-him!" Soon, "the blind teenager's sensitive fingers and acute memory single out the controls," and the rocket blasts off. A "mechanical horde" still clings, but the "horrible hitchhikers" get burned off by friction! The Metal Men are free! Leave it to wet-blanket Mercury to spoil the victory. "Your wiring must have slipped... How do you expect this blind crazy-house to ever reach Earth and Doc Magnus?.. We're finished!" |
As for brilliant Doc Magnus, their inventor is unaware the robots have even left the building, let alone the planet. He's obsesses to find a cure for Billy's blindness but, "there's no known element on Earth at present to cure him!"  |
A cosmic storm sets the robots' rocket reeling. The robots carom around the interior, denting themselves and each other in an effort to spare Billy. Then comes a warning signal of a crash landing! Under Tina's directions, Billy reverses controls and puts the rocket down safely. But wouldn't you know? "The blind robots and their sightless teenage pilot are unaware they are being watched by the most pitiless eyes in unknown space - the Robot Juggernauts!" (Gosh. What are the odds the Metal Men would find ANOTHER planet of hostile robots purely by chance?) The robot juggernauts (There are many, not just one, as suggested by the cover.) rejoice. "Demon space sends us a new sacrifice for our graveyard! RRRNNNG!" In the rocket, the robots resume their shapes - except Mercury, who's spattered into globules. "Stop gabbing - and help me put myself together! I don't know where all my parts are!" The robots try without much luck while Mercury grouses. Tina notes, "Your voice box is certainly there!" |
The robots venture outside to work on Mercury. The "Astra-Ascertainer" says the atmosphere is suitable for Billy. They carry Mercury in buckets formed from their hands. And they can see again! The camera flash is wearing off! Just in time, because here come giant robots "crushing everything in their way!" Gold decides, since it's too late to board the rocket, they'll lead the juggernauts away and double back. Tina takes over, weaving herself into a net and sweeping her comrades away. Except for dribbling drops of Mercury. "He can always steam up more! Keep going!" |
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The juggernauts give up the chase to seize the rocket! Gold reasons, "To those robot juggernauts, the metal rocket is alive! Machines must be real to them! Like human victims of cannibals!" Good ol' Mercury panics. "We're metal too! Those juggernauts would probably think we're just a bunch of juicy frankfurters!" The Metal Men decide to vote: keep running or fight for the rocket? They vote to fight. (Like they really have a choice?) Tina wants to plant Billy somewhere safe, but he protests. "That's not fair, Tina! You voted me an honorary member of the Metal Men! I vote to fight for the rocket also!" A weird storm whips up, "lashing the stranded band with strange liquids". The rain has a chemical taste. The robots reluctantly decide to leave Billy behind where it's safe. His tears mix with the strange rain. "Then, like the sun suddenly shining through dark clouds, the youngster's eyes glow brightly. 'I can see! Wait for me! I can see!'" |
Gold was right. The chemical rain contains elements unknown on Earth at present and cured Billy. (What did poor Doc just say a few pages ago?) Tina whisks Billy along - again just in time. A fantastic fury attacks. "That creature - looks like the 'pop' sculptures artists are doing today!" More like "leftovers from a steamshovel's dinner in a junkyard!" With the impact of a pile driver, the robo-lion knocks the Metal Men flying. Yet Tin, that humble metal, rolls himself into a ball - and hoists the robo-lion into the air. Lead and Iron zoom in - and mash both of them flat! |
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Tin's thin as a piece of paper, but another quick remolding crunches Tin back into shape. Far off, their rocket sticks up like a giant firecracker - or the Eiffel Tower, says Tin. Mercury, still being carried in buckets, roars, "What would you know? You were never in Paris!" But a "living roadblock" rears up, a "pitiless apparition!" A robot juggernaut. Gold orders they hit it from all sides - after dumping Mercury. The red robot is outraged and pulls himself together - sort of. His legs and arms are odd sizes, so he's gianty-dwarfy all at once. More trouble. The juggernaut is magnetic, and sucks the Metal Men into his rollers. (A special kind of magnetism, obviously, that attracts ANY metal.) |
"Got to save Billy!" chirps Tina. Her arms spiral Billy to Tin, who's still free (as seen on the cover.) "M-m-me? But I'm only T-T-Tin!" For all his humility, Tin can act. He rolls into a wheel and spins Billy out of danger. The remaining robots get squished by rollers. They feel sorry for "Poor Doc! He'll never find out what happened to us!" Tina cries. "I'll never get a chance to convince Doc that I'm as good as those flat, skinny, human models that are always hanging around his lab! Boo-hoo!" Lead tries to console her. "Aww - Tina! You know that - uhh - robots can't cry!" Tin and Billy opt to circle around and see what the juggernauts are doing. They find a weird scene. The juggernauts dance around the rocket-on-a-stick as if around a totem pole. A smelting pot is ready to receive the Metal Men "like a captive in a cannibal cooking pot!" As happens. The Metal Men are pressed into coins. "Without extreme heat, we can't help ourselves!" |
And Tin and Billy get too close - the magnetism is dragging them in! Tin wails, "I've f-f-failed the Metal Men - failed you, Billy! I'm s-s-sorry!' The gallant boy replies, "Never mind, Tin! Not matter what - we tried our best!"  |
The Metal Men "coins" are dumped in the smelter as sacrifices. Gold yells, "This is the heat we need! Fuse! Form an alloy! It's our only chance! Alloy!" Who could argue with such a plan? Mercury! "But I'm supposed to form an amalgam with a rare metal - like silver - not an alloy!" Even Lead yells. "Stop arguing for once, Mercury!" |
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The juggernauts are about to pitch Tin and Billy into the smelter - - when out steps a laughing giant! "Tin, meet the alloyed Metal Men! Gold!" The others join the roll call! "Lead! Iron! Platinum!" and "Although I shouldn't be here in an alloy - Mercury!" "Immovable though they are - the juggernauts find themselves struck as if by a thunderbolt!" |
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Just like that, the juggernauts lie in pieces, and the Metal Men - most in one big clump - board their rocket. "Next stop, Earth!" Billy will never see it. He's blind again. The chemical rain wore off! Even Mercury is saddened. As they flash through space, the rocket cuts through a comet's tail of cosmic dust. The Metal Men must protect Billy, and wrap around him. The cosmic shower makes the alloyed robot glow, but particles still ping through. Tin asks, "Wh-what's wrong with a tin covering?" and flows over his buddies as a shield. The rocket finally breaks free - with Earth in sight! "Next stop - Doc Magnus' lab!" |
Doc waits by the launching pad, smoking his pipe. He wants some way to soften Billy's disappointment - that he failed to find a cure for his blindness. But Billy comes running. "Hi, Doc!" Billy recognizes him? He can see thanks to the comet's tail! Yet Doc asks, "Am I seeing things? Is that an alloy of Gold, Tin, Lead, Platinum, and Mercury?" Tina answers "in her inimitable way," springing her arms loose to hug Doc. "It's a long story, Doc! But I haven't changed a bit!" Doc snaps, "That's what I was afraid of!" |
Comments Bob Kanigher was the "Go To Guy" for crazy deadlines and wacky covers. More than once, Kanigher recalled how he was handed a cover and required to write a story for it - erroneous or not. (Covers were printed separately months in advance of the interiors.) This comic has some "Oops" built in. Kanigher had to include many robot juggernauts (not just one), and was stuck with Billy's new name, when he'd named the boy Timmy in issue 8. Oh, well, could be worse. This "shoehorning" of cover events happened often with Metal Men. They'd embark on one adventure, wrap it up, then get whacked by some NEW menace that - Oh, yeah, almost forgot! - appears on the cover. Makes for fun if chaotic reading. I love this story for its goofy logic and noble sacrifices. And wild coincidences and big plot holes. Think: did the Metal Men really do anything that cured Billy's blindness? Doesn't matter. It's their hearts, uh, responsometers, that count! |
Read another fan's history and appreciation of the Metal Men. Read DarkMark's terrific original story starring Tina in "The Helen O'Loy Blues". |